Because we love Halloween so much around here, it’s become a longstanding (two-year) tradition to have at least one horror-related post each week of October. To kick it off, I’m talking about one of my favorite subjects: THE LIIIIIVIIIING DEEEAAADDDD!

I think about zombies only a little bit more around Halloween than I do the rest of the year. And much of that thinking revolves around how I will not only survive, but thrive, in the zombie-dominated future to come. Here’s why:

1) I’ve seen a whole mess of zombie movies
In the south, a “whole mess” is a valid form of measurement. I’ve seen every type of zombie there is to see: classic, slow shamblers (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and every other George Romero movie), super-fast-things-that-can’t-technically-be-called-zombies-but-it’s-good-to-be-prepared-for-just-in-case (28 Days Later), funny zombies (Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland), Nazi zombies (Dead Snow), and even alien zombies created by space vampires (Lifeforce). So I think I’m pretty aware of how things will go down.

2) I oddly excel at Buck Hunter
I’ve never hunted anything in real life, and yet I’m some sort of crazy prodigy at Buck Hunter, the amazingly fun arcade game that has made its way into some of my favorite bars and restaurants. So not only will I be able to mow down the undead, but I’ll be able to hunt bucks and buck-like creatures for food. My bullets have eyes! See also: my Oregon Trail skills.

3) I watch an excessive amount of survival TV shows
Really, all of them: Man vs. Wild; Survivorman; Dual Survival; Man, Woman, Wild; the I Survived series on National Geographic Channel; etc. I’m prepared to drink my own urine like Bear Grylls at the drop of a hat. In fact, that’s probably my first order of business when the zombie apocalypse goes down. Also, I’ve seen Red Dawn a bunch. So if the zombies are also Communists, I’m covered.

4) The Zombie Survival Guide is on my nightstand
Read it, learn it, know it.

5) Zombie Video Game Prowess
So you think that just watching movies and TV shows isn’t good enough because it’s not interactive? And you feel Buck Hunter skills might not translate to the walking dead? Well, you’re wrong, but just in case, I also excel at zombie-centric video games like Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead, Dead Rising, The House of the Dead, Dead Space, and Plants vs. Zombies. What? That last one counts.

So, there you have it. QED. Good luck out there, kids.

• Tweet
• Pin It