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10:05 p.m.: Here’s to the losers. Finally, a song I can get behind.
9:54 p.m.: Penny for your thoughts, woman standing behind Michelle Obama on her right, staring at her somewhat… longingly.
9:50 p.m.: Daniel Day-Lewis also wins for best joke.
9:48 p.m.: Ironically, Denzel is one of the only people who’s NOT drunk right now.
9:36 p.m.: Jane Fonda’s dress just burned itself into my LED screen.
9:24 p.m.: The older Dustin Hoffman gets, the more I’m convinced he was born in Jim Henson’s workshop.
9:16 p.m.: How can you not like Adele?
9:12 p.m.: Renee Zellwegger’s been spending too much time with Kristen Stewart.
9:07 p.m.: Arnold Horshack and Juan Epstien just got snubbed during the In Memoriam segment. At least you’re in good company, Ben Affleck.
9:02 p.m.: Surprise Babs appearance singing “Memories” to celebrate Marvin Hamlisch during the In Memoriam segment of the show. I guess this makes more sense than trucking a P.T. boat out for Ernest Borgnine. But just marginally.
8:48 p.m.: Does Kristen Stewart always look completely strung out?
841 p.m.: Random thought — why hasn’t Tom Selleck hosted the Oscars yet? I vote for that.
8:39 p.m.: Adele just killed. First, her manicurist, then the audience.
8:35 p.m.: Jennifer Lawrence just did the most amazing bit where she was a living person with rigor mortis.
8:32 p.m.: Reminder to self: Stop confusing the movies 28 Days and 28 Days Later.
8:24 p.m.: Anne Hathaway’s exit music was the theme to Godfather. I don’t even know what that means.
8:20 p.m.: Pretty sure MacFarlane just wanted to force someone to walk around the Oscars in a Nazi uniform, and that’s all that joke was.
8:18 p.m.: This was the third tie in Oscar history.
8:17 p.m.: What’s with all the blonde guys with long hair?
8:13 p.m.: Les Miserables just got their sound mixing Oscar from a CGI talking stuffed bear. And Marky Mark. #ThatJustHappened.
8:10 p.m.: Sure, you get an Oscar, but we’re gonna do that thing where we don’t actually let you get the award in front of everyone. Bully for you.
8:03 p.m.: Wolverine does show tunes. With Borat and Gladiator. What?
7:58 p.m.: Skinny Jennifer Hudson still kinda creeps me out.
7:53 p.m.: And apparently time travel is the theme of the evening — A musical number from 11 years ago. One of nominees for best actress wasn’t alive when this movie was released.
7:51 p.m.: The dad from Family Ties just won for best foreign film. And he’s also now apparently a Bond villain.
7:50 p.m.: How did Seth MacFarlane just not turn that into a Jewish joke? Shatner get involved again?
7:37 p.m.: Wait, Liam Neeson’s an American?
7:34 p.m.: Best Live Action Short went to Curfew. Everyone he’s thanking is in the balcony. Except Daniel Day-Lewis.
7:29 p.m.: I still think writing “dame” as a title is kinda funny, though.
7:28 p.m.: Dame Shirley Bassey just killed. Standing O.
7:23 p.m. Bond retrospective, and thank God they left Timothy Dalton off… er, nope. He’s there, too. Damn.
7:20 p.m.: Makeup and Hairstyling award goes to Les Miserables. Which is only because Nicholas Cage wasn’t in anything this year.
7:17 p.m. Anna Karenina wins for costume design. Best speech of the night. Clocked in at :08 seconds.
7:12 p.m.: We have our first “play ‘em offstage!” moment of the night… Followed by Keith Urban’s slow, sad headshake. When you’ve been pitied by Keith Urban…
7:08 p.m.: Life of Pi wins for Best Cinematography and the bad guy from Die Hard is doing the acceptance speech. Not Alan Rickman, that other dude.
7:05 p.m.: The Avengers are Assembling. YES.
6:58 p.m.: Paper Man wins animated short, Brave wins animated feature film… and apparently someone used their plantation mansion curtains to make a dress.
6:51 p.m. Christoph Waltz wins Best Supporting Actor. Tarantino looks completely hammered, 20 minutes in.
6:42 p.m.: Racism in sock puppet form. What is happening right now?
6:38 p.m.: The L.A. Gay Men’s Chorus singing about seeing every actress’ boobs. That. Just. Happened.
6:36 p.m. Well, No Ross, but they found Shatner.
6:34 p.m. It’s a roast. Chris Brown joke… and a Mel Gibson shot, too. The only thing missing is Jeffrey Ross.
6:32 p.m.: First shot at the Academy for Affleck’s snub.
6:31 p.m.: MacFarlane takes the stage. Tommy Lee Jones smiles for the first time in history.
6:25 p.m.: That’s it for Red Carpet. Next up: Awards, and my third glass of scotch.
6:17 p.m.: Daniel Day-Lewis is so method, he just refused to go near the balcony.
6:14 p.m.: Anne Hathaway just won Dorothy’s Ruby Slippers, and Chenoweth totally “psyched” her. No slippers for you, Anne.
6:13 p.m.: Chenoweth just copped to sporting a mullet in her youth. This surprises no one.
6:05 p.m.: George Clooney tied with Walt Disney for nominations in different categories. #FascinatingStat
6:02 p.m.: Adele is photobombing Jennifer Aniston’s red carpet interview.
5:53 p.m: ABC finally finds a British accent – Daniel Radcliffe.
5:51 p.m.: Kristin Chenoweth’s playing Let’s Make a Deal with Hugh Jackman and his wife. What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOOOX?
5:45 p.m.: Flipping between E! and ABC’s red-carpet coverage. ABC needs more British accents on their commentators. Also: purple hair. Also: Tim Burton-designed dresses. Point(s): E!
5:39 p.m.: Bradley Cooper’s mom is bored with Kristin Chenoweth. Also, Bradley Cooper is a giant, comparatively. Did not mention A-Team 2, which is a bummer. Not really.
5:00 p.m. – Stars have been walking down the red carpet, speaking to interviewers like Ryan Seacrest. Favorite part so far was hearing about how Daniel Day-Lewis sent letters and text messages to Sally Field and Joseph Gordon Levitt prior to the filming of Lincoln, signing them as Lincoln.
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